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behavior problems with kids?anyone goin through it or got advice

hurricane

hurricane

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so my oldest (not mine by blood but my fiance's) is giving us tons of trouble.7th grade, 12 years old.Failing school with 50's. wont do homework.wont get up for school.Late for school even when he leaves on time.Almost everything is school based.We have talked to him so many times, punished him.Use reward systems.Even she hits hit sometimes ( i wont i dont feel right doing it, he isnt mine by blood).We are lost and confused

we are looking into tudoring but we arent even sure he will go or try. It costs a pretty penny

anyone else go or going through this? any advise? much appriecated.Its such a headache and heartbreaking especially for his mother
 
Whats the school system like where you are? Any odities or things you think may attribute to his issue? I mean this is a whopping 10 years behind me but I went through all that man. Everyone thought I was a retard. Really I was just board man. Wasnt anything to do with school. I would pass any test with 100% no problem. I got stuck in GATE which was the smart kid program but still man just didn't stick for me. I felt I was above what they were trying to make me do.

Got worse into highschool. I decided school was stupid and got a job. Bought my own car. SVT cobra. shit was sweet... lol I supported myself pretty much because I wanted to grow up too quick. Not cause I had to. I circled back. graduated highschool still no problem. But also took a few AP classes for fun. Ended up getting a really good job and followed a strong career path at 18.

Kind of a story i know but just saying I was insistent on bumping heads with the norm so to speak.

They tried tutoring It pissed me off and I was a sick and now I look back and feel bad that my parents wasted the money.

If there was anything else i could change, I wish I had someone to impress. I wish I had a role model to truly follow. I never met my dad. I had uncles and stuff but it was never the right feeling. I feel like it wuld have been different if I had steps to follow. Not just what someone was telling me to do. Idk if that makes sense...

I ask about the school system because that was very much against me idc what anyone says lol. I went to a fancier school and everyone was all up in your shit on everything. You start to slip or divert from the intended path and your fucked. You just spiral down. Hard to get out of that.

Socialy. hmmm I was kind of a wierdo at 11 or so. Got heavily into sports around 14 and honestly man that kept me in check a bit because If I wanted to play I needed good grades. I also was in line with friends so I didnt want to look like a dumbass amongst my piers. When they all got to know me well is when I let shit slide again cause I wasnt worried about impressions from people that already knew what I'm about.

Thats all I got brotha.
 
It's hard especially now a days with kids. Most kids spend most of their time either playing video games, on their phone or online. I have two children and my eldest just actually left for training...special ops Air Force base and I have one that is 13 yrs old. I have never had any issues with both of them growing up especially my son. He just seemed to be the perfect kid. I had him doing things from the age of 6....he started ukulele class at that age and continued until he left for high school. I kept both busy with music, tae kwondo, hula lessons, basketball, community service, etc....I kept them so busy they didn't have time to do anything and of course rewarded them with their accomplishments. My advice is to keep him busy with as much activities as you can. Find something that he will be interested in. Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Is the father in the picture and if so how is the dynamic, which could cause confusion and behavior problems
 
hurricane said:
so my oldest (not mine by blood but my fiance's) is giving us tons of trouble.7th grade, 12 years old.Failing school with 50's. wont do homework.wont get up for school.Late for school even when he leaves on time.Almost everything is school based.We have talked to him so many times, punished him.Use reward systems.Even she hits hit sometimes ( i wont i dont feel right doing it, he isnt mine by blood).We are lost and confused

we are looking into tudoring but we arent even sure he will go or try. It costs a pretty penny

anyone else go or going through this? any advise? much appriecated.Its such a headache and heartbreaking especially for his mother
Click to expand...

tough situation. my advice is do NOT use physical force as a means of punishment. that will make everything much worse. physical punishment runs in my family, the iron fist type, "DO what I tell you because I said so or I will beat you". or if you do something wrong you get smacked around. you do something right, you get nothing. This breeds nothing but fear, resentment, bitterness, etc. You want your kids to love and trust you, not fear or resent you..physical punishment is good for small kids, you give them a tiny spank and they learn. but when they get to older ages like 12, they start developing their intellect and reasoning and that type of punishment becomes VERY detrimental to their mental health. I can say this from the experience of my father and MY experience as well.

you really need to stop viewing this as a "behavior problem". i am willing to bet he is not a bad kid he is just going through a phase and he just needs Love and Support from his parents. he needs to know he is loved even if he fails, messes up, does bad, etc. BUT at the same time he needs to know what he has done wrong (in a Loving manner, not yelling, cussing, hitting, etc.) he is having issues and he may feel lonely, depressed, anxious, etc. he is 12, he needs to learn how to communicate his feelings without Acting them out like he is doing now. i would really work on the communication barrier that is going on between you all. you also have to remember he has you in place of his real Father, and at 12 years old he does not understand what is going on. he is probably angry/frustrated/sad. etc
 
hurricane said:
so my oldest (not mine by blood but my fiance's) is giving us tons of trouble.7th grade, 12 years old.Failing school with 50's. wont do homework.wont get up for school.Late for school even when he leaves on time.Almost everything is school based.We have talked to him so many times, punished him.Use reward systems.Even she hits hit sometimes ( i wont i dont feel right doing it, he isnt mine by blood).We are lost and confused

we are looking into tudoring but we arent even sure he will go or try. It costs a pretty penny

anyone else go or going through this? any advise? much appriecated.Its such a headache and heartbreaking especially for his mother
Click to expand...
I have a 12 year old boy in 6th grade. My form of punishment has ALWAYS been to take the items that mean the most. Xbox PlayStation tv ipod iPad phone even radio and bikes if it ever gets that far. Start with one item if it doesn't work keep taking..
I have always enforced respect. Please and thank you..pick up your own messes..when an adult who is watching you or in school listen even if it's something they don't agree with..if something like that occurs take it up with me and ill a dress it.
Reward?? I give them chores weekly..if they complete then they get cash..half complete half the cash..you shouldn't reward them for acting how they are supposed to. You should reward them if they are going above and beyond.
School.maybe hes bored..or maybe hes having a problem with other kids or even teachers. Every day after school..check his booking. Make him take his work out for your review. If this doesn't work start emailing teachers...
I hope this may help u.


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TX TERROR said:
Whats the school system like where you are? Any odities or things you think may attribute to his issue? I mean this is a whopping 10 years behind me but I went through all that man. Everyone thought I was a retard. Really I was just board man. Wasnt anything to do with school. I would pass any test with 100% no problem. I got stuck in GATE which was the smart kid program but still man just didn't stick for me. I felt I was above what they were trying to make me do.

Got worse into highschool. I decided school was stupid and got a job. Bought my own car. SVT cobra. shit was sweet... lol I supported myself pretty much because I wanted to grow up too quick. Not cause I had to. I circled back. graduated highschool still no problem. But also took a few AP classes for fun. Ended up getting a really good job and followed a strong career path at 18.

Kind of a story i know but just saying I was insistent on bumping heads with the norm so to speak.

They tried tutoring It pissed me off and I was a sick and now I look back and feel bad that my parents wasted the money.

If there was anything else i could change, I wish I had someone to impress. I wish I had a role model to truly follow. I never met my dad. I had uncles and stuff but it was never the right feeling. I feel like it wuld have been different if I had steps to follow. Not just what someone was telling me to do. Idk if that makes sense...

I ask about the school system because that was very much against me idc what anyone says lol. I went to a fancier school and everyone was all up in your shit on everything. You start to slip or divert from the intended path and your fucked. You just spiral down. Hard to get out of that.

Socialy. hmmm I was kind of a wierdo at 11 or so. Got heavily into sports around 14 and honestly man that kept me in check a bit because If I wanted to play I needed good grades. I also was in line with friends so I didnt want to look like a dumbass amongst my piers. When they all got to know me well is when I let shit slide again cause I wasnt worried about impressions from people that already knew what I'm about.

Thats all I got brotha.
Click to expand...

Bro this is probably the best advice I've heard. After my first enlistment I became a cop for a couple years(before I realized I hated it and went back in the army lol) and would get called out to houses for ungovernable kids and I'm telling you most of the time the kid was either bored or just needed someone to impress as TX says
 
Well besides the fact he is 12 and probky trying to figure out who he is. There could be something else triggering the behavior. I hate to ask this but what is your relationship w the mom like. Do you guys argue infront of him? Does he see his father at all? If so he could be confused at what is right and wrong. Like if his dad is the typical dis eyland dad he could be confused as to what is proper behavior based on two sets of rules. If he is t in the picture. Something at school thats happening that he is t telling u about could be teoggering it ie being bullied or picked on. If you guys argue infront of him that could be something. Or if she contradicts u infront of him he could be confused and acting out. I know this because my gf son is ten. We just recently had to remove dad from the picture cauae he is a drunk and a fuck up. Once he stopped being around his dad he totally changed and started acting right. Kids are easily influenced and soak everything in around them. We had to trai. Ourselves to go in another room to talk. Or argue lol. And also not contradict eachother in front of him but discuss it privatly.


PHURIOUS
 
hurricane said:
so my oldest (not mine by blood but my fiance's) is giving us tons of trouble.7th grade, 12 years old.Failing school with 50's. wont do homework.wont get up for school.Late for school even when he leaves on time.Almost everything is school based.We have talked to him so many times, punished him.Use reward systems.Even she hits hit sometimes ( i wont i dont feel right doing it, he isnt mine by blood).We are lost and confused

we are looking into tudoring but we arent even sure he will go or try. It costs a pretty penny

anyone else go or going through this? any advise? much appriecated.Its such a headache and heartbreaking especially for his mother
Click to expand...

I feel for you brother. I know it's gotta be rough. I've went through some shit with my own kids, and sometimes it's hard to get them to do what you need them to. About the only thing I've found that works is making sure they understand consequence for actions. Taking the things away that matter most to them is a good start. They have to learn the value of having things and learn that doing good in school and behaving properly gives reward. Too many kids these days think they are entitled to whatever they want, and need to understand they are all priveleges.
 
RickRock said:
I feel for you brother. I know it's gotta be rough. I've went through some shit with my own kids, and sometimes it's hard to get them to do what you need them to. About the only thing I've found that works is making sure they understand consequence for actions. Taking the things away that matter most to them is a good start. They have to learn the value of having things and learn that doing good in school and behaving properly gives reward. Too many kids these days think they are entitled to whatever they want, and need to understand they are all priveleges.
Click to expand...

i agree about rewarding them. something my Pops never did, and to this day I wish he did..
 
Rewarding isnt always the best policy. Then they are just trained to do the minimum to get the reward. Then they arnt learning responsibility for their actions or self worth. Rewards are ok in the context of hey so and so. You did a great job today so lets go get some ice cream as a reward. Thats ok. But a reward system only drives them to get the reward for doing things they should be anyway. Then when older they will expect rewards in adult bood for doing whats expected of them. Unexpected rewards great. Ones they know they will get for doing certain things hinders thwir growth as humans


PHURIOUS
 
hurricane said:
so my oldest (not mine by blood but my fiance's) is giving us tons of trouble.7th grade, 12 years old.Failing school with 50's. wont do homework.wont get up for school.Late for school even when he leaves on time.Almost everything is school based.We have talked to him so many times, punished him.Use reward systems.Even she hits hit sometimes ( i wont i dont feel right doing it, he isnt mine by blood).We are lost and confused

we are looking into tudoring but we arent even sure he will go or try. It costs a pretty penny

anyone else go or going through this? any advise? much appriecated.Its such a headache and heartbreaking especially for his mother
Click to expand...

I will tell you what my dad did. He took his 4 boys everywhere and then played with us until we could not move. Basketball,football, baseball, boxing ,weight lifting etc.
When mom could then she would be right in the middle of it. We used to hit the sack and fall asleep before the lights went out. We also got no junk food. Mom cooked everything we ate. We could watch certain tv shows and cartoons on saturday, but other than that..no TV. We hiked the Appalacian trail, kayaked etc. We built furniture,worked on dad's hot rods, and made big azz cherry bombs on new years. I guess it takes 100% focus. I won't tolerate my kids not being smart.
 
Jake said:
I will tell you what my dad did. He took his 4 boys everywhere and then played with us until we could not move. Basketball,football, baseball, boxing ,weight lifting etc.
When mom could then she would be right in the middle of it. We used to hit the sack and fall asleep before the lights went out. We also got no junk food. Mom cooked everything we ate. We could watch certain tv shows and cartoons on saturday, but other than that..no TV. We hiked the Appalacian trail, kayaked etc. We built furniture,worked on dad's hot rods, and made big azz cherry bombs on new years. I guess it takes 100% focus. I won't tolerate my kids not being smart.
Click to expand...

You just keyed on something big i forgot. Does he watch alot of the kids shows. Not the cartoons. But the ones with young kids. The reason i ask if u ever see thise shows there are no parents around and they do whatever they want. We stopped him from watching those and he changed also. Cause kids see that and learn from it. Like well they dont have their parents telling them what to do 24-7


PHURIOUS
 
PHURIOUS said:
You just keyed on something big i forgot. Does he watch alot of the kids shows. Not the cartoons. But the ones with young kids. The reason i ask if u ever see thise shows there are no parents around and they do whatever they want. We stopped him from watching those and he changed also. Cause kids see that and learn from it. Like well they dont have their parents telling them what to do 24-7


PHURIOUS
Click to expand...

yes man very true. its called Television PROGRAMMING for a reason. developed to influence the mind
 
TX TERROR said:
Whats the school system like where you are? Any odities or things you think may attribute to his issue? I mean this is a whopping 10 years behind me but I went through all that man. Everyone thought I was a retard. Really I was just board man. Wasnt anything to do with school. I would pass any test with 100% no problem. I got stuck in GATE which was the smart kid program but still man just didn't stick for me. I felt I was above what they were trying to make me do.

Got worse into highschool. I decided school was stupid and got a job. Bought my own car. SVT cobra. shit was sweet... lol I supported myself pretty much because I wanted to grow up too quick. Not cause I had to. I circled back. graduated highschool still no problem. But also took a few AP classes for fun. Ended up getting a really good job and followed a strong career path at 18.

Kind of a story i know but just saying I was insistent on bumping heads with the norm so to speak.

They tried tutoring It pissed me off and I was a sick and now I look back and feel bad that my parents wasted the money.

If there was anything else i could change, I wish I had someone to impress. I wish I had a role model to truly follow. I never met my dad. I had uncles and stuff but it was never the right feeling. I feel like it wuld have been different if I had steps to follow. Not just what someone was telling me to do. Idk if that makes sense...

I ask about the school system because that was very much against me idc what anyone says lol. I went to a fancier school and everyone was all up in your shit on everything. You start to slip or divert from the intended path and your fucked. You just spiral down. Hard to get out of that.

Socialy. hmmm I was kind of a wierdo at 11 or so. Got heavily into sports around 14 and honestly man that kept me in check a bit because If I wanted to play I needed good grades. I also was in line with friends so I didnt want to look like a dumbass amongst my piers. When they all got to know me well is when I let shit slide again cause I wasnt worried about impressions from people that already knew what I'm about.

Thats all I got brotha.
Click to expand...

i know man, i try and look back and i had my problems in school to but not this bad, this young, he is only 12.I barely made it out of school but i graduated high school.But he is getting 50's in 7th grade, skipping school.Not doing homework. When we drop him at school,so he is early.. he still goes to classes late. we have gotten a letter, where if he dont improve with the attendance especially.. acs could get involved and honestly thats what has be so wired right now.At this rate, he is on path to be a dropout for sure.Its saddening, i dont know how to help the kid.
 
MrsGemelli said:
It's hard especially now a days with kids. Most kids spend most of their time either playing video games, on their phone or online. I have two children and my eldest just actually left for training...special ops Air Force base and I have one that is 13 yrs old. I have never had any issues with both of them growing up especially my son. He just seemed to be the perfect kid. I had him doing things from the age of 6....he started ukulele class at that age and continued until he left for high school. I kept both busy with music, tae kwondo, hula lessons, basketball, community service, etc....I kept them so busy they didn't have time to do anything and of course rewarded them with their accomplishments. My advice is to keep him busy with as much activities as you can. Find something that he will be interested in. Good luck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

that is all he is interested in is video games! he will play from morning to bedtime, if he can.Its disturbing. He is an amazing artist for his age, his drawings are so good.But is like making him do homework to draw also.He has no interest in sports or girls yet.He hates school. All he wants to do is eat and play video games lol
 
-SD- said:
Is the father in the picture and if so how is the dynamic, which could cause confusion and behavior problems
Click to expand...

his father lives far away. he calls every few weeks. No money help.Dont see him.As close as you could get to being non existant with actually being so.And of couse he adores his father beyond belief . I dont ever bad mouth his father though, i dont think its right or my place
 
Does he have interest in sports at all or anything to fuel his road to getting back on track?

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hurricane said:
his father lives far away. he calls every few weeks. No money help.Dont see him.As close as you could get to being non existant with actually being so.And of couse he adores his father beyond belief . I dont ever bad mouth his father though, i dont think its right or my place
Click to expand...
Much respect for that. Try a different approach if you can bring him somewhere and try to bond with him and talk to him. Sounds like he is going through puberty and building up some walls. Hell just do some nice things for him because you care about him and let him know. There is not telling what with get through to him through that thick skull of kids now days.

Always show respect for his parents even when it's hard to, they will see that in the long run. Good luck.

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