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Thread: Parenting dilemma seeking an objective opinion

  1. #1
    Senior Member 44YOGearHead's Avatar
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    Parenting dilemma seeking an objective opinion

    So my son and his gf are at college together as most of you know. About a month or so ago she said she wanted to transfer schools as she wanted to basically join a sorority, or something to that effect. That is fine, everyone needs their own identity and to grow and learn some lessons based upon the decisions they make/made. I see some of this as being financially motivated perhaps as she tries to not bother me for money, but knows I send enough for them both to my son. I send her money time to time as well just so she can do something she pleases without my son saying shit. If a sorority is what she wants, by all means have at it. I'll know, or have an idea of what to expect from my son's football this May at the Spring Game. I'm gonna take a class online for him so he can have 30 ch to transfer, my obligation is after all to him. Am I being harsh? I look at the situation like this:

    1. Your parents weren't considering college for you. The military was their plan.
    2. I got you in and at college, I with exception to your grandfather from time to time (2x) pay your tuition.
    3. You said you wanted to be together in college, you are, BUT you're determined you want to transfer despite risking your relationship... meh...
    4. At age 19 something more than likely will happen and they way she likes to party and drink something bad hopefully won't happen.
    5. I've basically written her off in my head. I'm very much a make you live with your choices kind of guy point blank. If she transfers I am not paying for, or supporting her/that. I'm just waiting for the semester to end to see and if I can xfer my son to a bigger program in TX I'll ask 1x if she wants me to get her in the school as well.
    6. I just don't want my son getting hurt and this affecting relationships later on in his life, because he's done so much and sacrificed things to be with her. He could've easily walked on to UMT who was recruiting him prior to some team injuries. He's a good guy and I'd like him to stay that way in life/love.

    Opinions?

  2. #2
    Idk...I still say she's a bitch and he's probably better off without her...looks like she's all about her self..if she don't run now she'll just run later because she has her own priorities..and being a good girl friend and appreciative "daughter in law" isn't one of them

  3. #3
    I have mixed opinions on this. You are being exceptional kind and supportive to her. It is her life and sometimes you can't let others dictate that even with financial support, it's a horrible feeling being "pigeon holed". She's very young, it's unlikely she really knows what she wants yet, and sometimes the best way to figure that out is to put yourself in a vastly different situation than you are now. I think a lot of this is different than when we were that age.

    This is a tough one, I don't know how I'd approach this myself. I'd definitely be frustrated if I was you, but I can maybe understand what she is thinking as well. I don't know your relationship with her, I assume you are kind of like a father figure to her. Anyway you can try to get her to open up about what's she thinking?

    Good luck! For such a big tough guy, you have a big heart. Maybe the anabolics made it grow haha.

  4. #4
    Senior Member 44YOGearHead's Avatar
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    Lol. Like I told her, 'I'll never tell you what decision to make. I won't try to influence you as you're an adult and have to live with the decisions you make. Just know sometimes shit happens and you either benefit from it, or suffer behind it. We never learn anything if we simply do what others want us to do'. I'm just emotionally preparing myself for the worst while silently hoping for the best I suppose.


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  5. #5
    I paid for college myself. If my parents or someone else's parents would gave helped me, I would ensure every decision I am making wouldn't effect them financially and they were there to support me. If she plans on doing this without your support its up to her to pay her way imo. She doesn't get it and probably won't for another few years. I get she wants what she wants but now it's up to her to pay for it.

    I'd say you've done enough for her. You helped get her where she is and now it's time for her and or her parents to step up and give her what she wants.

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  6. #6
    The decision we make in life define us!! Even the bad ones, part of life is making bad decisions, learning from them and being a better person after. As young adults sometimes they have to fly the coup or be booted from it. The point is.. your son is young and he has his whole life ahead of him, don't let a girl drag him down. He has one shot to get this right!!
    This is the part of life that us adults always look back and say we should have done this or I should have done that. No regrets!!!

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  7. #7
    Senior Member 44YOGearHead's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissBizz View Post
    I paid for college myself. If my parents or someone else's parents would gave helped me, I would ensure every decision I am making wouldn't effect them financially and they were there to support me. If she plans on doing this without your support its up to her to pay her way imo. She doesn't get it and probably won't for another few years. I get she wants what she wants but now it's up to her to pay for it.

    I'd say you've done enough for her. You helped get her where she is and now it's time for her and or her parents to step up and give her what she wants.

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    Definitely and I agree. She'll figure it out and have to deal with it. My obligation to her was thru kindness and loyalty to my son as well as their being together. Hell save me some money. I told my son already, she eff up, you better man up and be done with her for good. Life and love are weird that way, sometimes something/someone departs so that someone better for you can enter. In all honesty we should all be single until were like my age so we can appreciate love and relationships any ways.

  8. #8
    Senior Member 44YOGearHead's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigBusiness View Post
    The decision we make in life define us!! Even the bad ones, part of life is making bad decisions, learning from them and being a better person after. As young adults sometimes they have to fly the coup or be booted from it. The point is.. your son is young and he has his whole life ahead of him, don't let a girl drag him down. He has one shot to get this right!!
    This is the part of life that us adults always look back and say we should have done this or I should have done that. No regrets!!!

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    Bro I hate youth. Such indecision and stupidity. Easily influenced to do the dumb thing, or easy thing.

  9. #9

    Parenting dilemma seeking an objective opinion

    Quote Originally Posted by 44YOGearHead View Post
    Bro I hate youth. Such indecision and stupidity. Easily influenced to do the dumb thing, or easy thing.
    Amen, you can say that again. Outside my handful of bros, I don't even hang out with or date people close to my age (30 years old). "Millennialism" is a disease, ugh.


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  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by 44YOGearHead View Post
    Lol. Like I told her, 'I'll never tell you what decision to make. I won't try to influence you as you're an adult and have to live with the decisions you make. Just know sometimes shit happens and you either benefit from it, or suffer behind it. We never learn anything if we simply do what others want us to do'. I'm just emotionally preparing myself for the worst while silently hoping for the best I suppose.


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    Hahahaha "maybe the anabolics made it grow".... I would agree with the stance you're taking, even though it flies in the face of the efforts that you & his grandfather are making to keep college away from your son's finances. I would advise that he follow his heart & live with the fallout: it will make him tougher & wiser in the long run, and too many adults simply don't have the intestinal fortitude to follow their heart whilst trying to take control of their own lives. Heart = no regrets, all learning.


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